Oct 2, 2018

Discover Her Brokenness


“This new relationship with its pledge to a life of togetherness comes with revelations of all kinds. Thus, the dreaded moment of revelation, that unanticipated understanding: Your spouse is broken. It is the unwanted awareness in every marriage.”                                                               ~Donald and Laura Minter
                                                                                    31 Days to Paradise


Shanna thought she married a stud (so did her husband) only to discover he was a train wreck! I thought I married the perfect women only to discover she was broken. Our fledgling marriage was a mess but we were committed until “Death do us part.” So, for a season I prayed for death—hers not mine. I’m ashamed to admit it now, but I wanted out and this was the only option this male could muster. She wanted to change how I dressed, acted, and everything in between. Apparently, I was broken and needed fixing, but everyone else said I was perfect. Truth be told, I was the “everyone else”.
But it didn’t take long for me to discover something horrible—my young bride was broken too! I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the signs were there. She couldn’t cook, didn’t want to make love all the time, and disallowed me from using our new towels and pillows because they were “decorative”. 
Who does that?
It took nearly two decades to discover her brokenness, but it was when I learned how to love her through it, our marriage became one Hallmark movies are made of, almost. 
It wasn’t until I decided to love Shanna in her brokenness that I discovered an option two was a possibility, a thriving marriage with my best friend.
It’s taken years to master loving Shanna and it’ll be decades before I have my PhD. in Shanna-ology, but I’m ready and excited to uncover every secret to loving her better than any man ever could. One day I dream she’ll say, “You’ve loved me better than I could have ever imagined. No one could have loved me better than you.”
Early on neither of us knew the state of our brokenness, but marriage has a way of bringing it into that light. We’re all broken and marriage is a tool God’s uses for healing. Rather than lording brokenness over your bride, love her over it. Instead of calling her brokenness out, call her up beyond it. Learning to love Shanna through her brokenness has brought wholeness and healing to her, our marriage, and myself as well. 
Maybe your brokenness came from abuse, or neglect, or both. Maybe it’s the spoiled stench of entitlement that has broken you. Or, maybe it’s the harsh reality of living in a fallen creation that has damaged your bride. 
Whatever it is, the sooner you uncover it and love her through it the better.